im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
