No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize