i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
