Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
