just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Holy sore nipples Batman
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize