For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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