Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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