well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
you had me at cake vodka
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
