I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
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