I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Someone signed my nipple.
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