he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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