does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
