wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize