So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Im part way to drunk.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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