As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize