you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
