I bet he comes in French.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
