i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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