1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
