Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
