he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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