totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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