I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
