she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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