Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
