ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
