I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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