I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
