Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
