the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
