I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
not ubering you a puppy
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
