Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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