the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
