pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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