life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
