Soap is not a condiment
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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