Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize