Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize