I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
