Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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