Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
