he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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