I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
