we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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