last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
