I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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