I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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