I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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