Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
