drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
