Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize