As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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