I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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