the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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