Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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