who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
