Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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