Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
