he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
