I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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